“The soul is healed by being with children.”
– Fyodor Dostoyevsky
I often refer to my children as my “little gurus” not only because their sheer existence teaches me so much about the nature of life, but because they teach me so much about myself, both good and not so good.
Although I always knew I would enjoy being a mother, I couldn’t even begin to fathom how much I would adore the beings that I helped bring into the world or the depth of love my relationship with them would bring to me.
Through them, I know that I am capable of deeply loving a person, nurturing their abilities, and tending to their spirit. I know that I can be spontaneous, fun, silly, and creative. These are the learnings I wholeheartedly soak up.
The difficult lessons come when I see how my shadow negatively affects my children. Through them, I clearly see how domineering I can be when I want things to go a certain way, how defeating I can be when someone does something that makes me unhappy, and how reckless I can be with someone’s feelings when I am angry.
It is so disheartening when my own behavior has shaken the foundation of my children’s otherwise peaceful world. Not only because I can remember how it felt to be a child locked into a situation with an adult who, for one reason or another, was ranting and raving, but ultimately because I know better.
Do As I Say and As I Do
I’ve never understood why it is that we spend countless parental hours mandating to our children that they share, be kind, honest, and in general, show complete control over their emotional lives while they maneuver through a world where adults (including their parents) do anything but.
Wouldn’t it be more authentic if we took the time to sit with our children and engage in honest, age appropriate conversations about the purpose our emotions serve and the challenges they bring with them?
We all have to navigate the emotional terrain, regardless of age.The truth of the matter is emotional mastery is a lifetime in the making. Mastery comes with understanding the situations that trigger us emotionally and learning how to appropriately manage our responses to them. This knowledge is not imparted through osmosis, but through introspection, trial, and error.
It’s impossible to walk through life without bumping into other people’s feelings. Our emotional lives are the amalgam of our temperament and learned behavior. When the combination of the two results in less than ideal behavior, we are provided the opportunity to impart another valuable skill to our children; the skillfulness of seeking forgiveness.
Shadows can only be maintained in the darkness of ignorance. If our shadow inflicts injury on another, it is our responsibility to initiate the healing. The act of requesting forgiveness shines the light of consciousness on our shadow, integrating the disowned pieces of ourselves.
Tricks of My Trade
As anyone who knows me can speak to, I am passionate about what I love and what I don’t love.
At times, this is a good thing because I don’t restrain my joie de vivre, but at other times it is a cross to bear, especially when I’m tired, frustrated, hungry or angry. Those are the moments when the “mommy monster” is more likely to rear her ugly head.
Four strategies have been helpful in keeping me mindful when I’m off my game and feeling less than peaceful:
Eat when hungry, sleep when tired…
You’d think this was a no-brainer, but honestly, half the time when I’m getting worked up over something it’s probably because my body is out of homeostasis and running on fumes. Sometimes, I just have to stop and put some food in my stomach or seek a quick nap.
Room to breath…
Taking a few minutes to be alone and do some deep breathing can make all the difference between disengaging from an emotional situation or blowing a fuse. Stepping away gets me out of my head and the heat of the moment, giving me the time I need to shift out of emotional escalation and into a state of mindfulness.
This life is short, lighten up…
Sometimes, especially when I’m getting wrapped up in trying to get my kids to do something in a particular way, I’m able to see how ridiculously puffed up I get over things that are completely innocuous. Is it really all that important that my daughter put just the right amount of toothpaste on her toothbrush? Is anyone going to be harmed if she decides she is going to wear two different socks to school? When I catch myself, I can’t help but laugh about how tied in a knot I get over stuff that really doesn’t make a bit of difference in the grand scheme of things.
For God’s sake woman put down the coffee…
I would be remiss not mention the detrimental effects of too much caffeine on my psyche. There is nothing more effective at building needless tension in the attic of my mind than taking in too much caffeine. Sometimes, I just gotta say “no” to one more cup of joe and make some chamomile tea instead.
Oops, I Did It Again
Inevitably, despite my best efforts, the moment will arise when I miss the mark and am unable to keep the “mommy monster” at bay. It is always with regret that I come full circle, jump off the emotional roller coaster, and realize I’ve got some cleaning up to do.
It is nothing short of humbling to look my child in the eyes and say unequivocally that I made a mistake, my behavior was not appropriate, and I’m sorry for any harm I have done.
In acknowledging my error, I have created space not only for healing, but for my child to understand that character-building includes not only the management of behavior but the willingness to acknowledge wrong-doing.
Human Is As Human Does
If left unchallenged, the shadowy behaviors we present to our children will come to define “normal” in their eyes. When we allow them to bear witness to our weakness without acknowledging that they are our shortcomings, we run the risk of teaching behaviors that will affect how they treat other people and let people treat them.
No matter how long we’ve been working on our personal growth or how “tuned in” we might feel to a higher consciousness, there will still be moments when our emotional wild cards get played and feelings get hurt. The question becomes whether we are aware enough to recognize that we’ve done harm and how willing we are to acknowledge it to the injured party.
As a testament to the benefit of owning my shadow with my children, there are now moments when my daughter recognizes from my furrowed brow and the dark clouds looming above my head that the “mommy monster” is waking from her slumber.
If my girl is feeling brave, she’ll stare at me with that sweet, knowing little smile of hers, and without having to utter a single word, smite the mighty “mommy monster.”
In those tender moments my heart swells knowing my little girl has completely disarmed me with the power of her love…and under my breath I can hear myself say, “Thank you, guru. Thank you.”
