Lead us toward a speech, which is as beautiful as silence, and toward a silence, which is as beautiful as the sweetest and truest of words.
– Jean-Yves Leloup –
Communication is the primary vehicle by which we attempt to share our beliefs, perceptions, inner experiences and get our needs met. When communication is nurtured and supported, it is an opportunity to gaze into another’s world and allow them to see into ours. And if the ‘back and forth’ of communication is healthy, it can become a flow of understanding and interpersonal connection.
We may be surprised to find when we begin to cultivate awareness within this sphere of our lives that we have routine ways of communicating which curtail our own self-expression or the self-expression of others. Mindful communication helps to bring awareness and choice into the process of dialogue so we can begin to break away from old habits that thwart understanding. This frees us to cultivate a style of relating that acknowledges our experience while allowing space for others to express themselves.
Heartful Navigation
An important foundation of any mindfulness practice is staying aligned with the intentions we bring to the mix of whatever it is we’re doing. When considering our communication with others, we are clear about and cognizant of our intentions. We align our intentions with the heart-based qualities of care, curiosity and building understanding. These qualities become the source of navigation for our behavior and are a compass for our moment-to-moment choices. This clarity can help us get back on track if we stray from our intentions or stay committed to skillful action when moments of challenging communication arise.
The Steps of Mindful Communication*
There are three movements in the dance of mindful communication:
*Embodiment (tuning into direct experience)
*Listening
*Speaking
We are consciously toggling between these three movements when we are bringing present moment awareness into the exchange of communication.
Embodiment: Staying Grounded
Whether it’s a dance or communication partnership, it’s important to maintain a sense of balance throughout each movement of our interaction. Our embodiment—in this case being aware of moment-to-moment felt sensations in the body, thoughts and emotions that arise—anchors us to the present moment and provides a point of orientation as we are in dialogue. It is here that we can best identify our personal experience and monitor how we are internally responding in the process of communication.
Are we able to notice when we are open and receptive or when we’ve closed ourselves off to another? Can we be aware of thoughts and emotions without being carried away by their content?
Being Led: Listening
When we begin to directly attend to our exchanges with other people, it doesn’t take long to notice that most of the time we aren’t really listening to what the person is actually saying. Oftentimes, the mind is busy coming up with it’s retort to what is being said and we are just holding our tongue until we can find an opportune moment to slip our perspective into the conversation.
Mindful communication invites us to buck this trend and instead deeply attend to listening to the other person. We are not listening to respond, but rather listening to hear and understand. We are curious and interested in what the other person has to say. If we are inclined to speak, it is to ask questions and inquire further about the nuances of what is being shared.
Are we able to notice the moments when personal thoughts and judgements arise? Can we notice when we’ve slipped away from listening and return to being present to what is being shared?
Taking the Lead: Mindful Speaking
When it is our turn to share, we bring attention to, and take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, behavior and speech. If our intention in speaking is to cultivate a warm and honest exchange, there are five check-points we can screen our inclination to speak through before sharing with another:
*Is what we want to share true (for us)?
*Is it kind?
*Will it be beneficial to the conversation?
*Is it necessary to share for the sake of building understanding?
*Is the timing right to say it?
These pass-throughs can be helpful, especially when we are feeling uncertain about whether what we are first inclined to say is in keeping with our intentions for the conversation.
Communication affords us a unique opportunity to practice mindfulness in an informal, yet powerful way. Building our capacity to attend to what we are internally experiencing in moments of communication can help us stay anchored to the present moment and aware of the quality of flow within the conversation. When we are able to intentionally direct our attention to the many nuances of listening and speaking, we open ourselves to seeing into another’s world and allowing someone to see into ours.
* This post was inspired by the book Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay Sofer.
Call and Response